Wolf Blitzer

What? Has it been so long? I know we’re overgrown with fans (yes, all three of you); rabidly anticipating the next great moment in follicle history, hitting the refresh button over and over, hoping for an update of some sort. Well kind reader, today is your day to bask in it, to take it all in like a beam of sunshine. So put on your skimpiest bathing suit, lay out the towel and kick back. It’s time for the next luscious lady tickler to be revealed.

Wolf Blitzer.

Oh how much more amazing can a man’s name be? You’ve seen those top ten lists around the old interwebs. The ones that feature “The Manliest Names of All Time” or some such grandiose title, the text therein steeped in witty, sardonic observations and humor. Never, ever, do I see this fine bearded gentleman placed among them. Now I’ll be honest in saying that I really know nothing about the man beyond the fact that he has been stuck on CNN for a good chunk of his career. I really don’t care if I ever do. But fuck all; that’s no reason to dismiss such a fantastic piece of follicle mastery.

“Wolf.” Yes, that’s right, a fucking wolf; you know: the ravenous, flesh eating beasts that travel in packs, attacking bears, cowboys and packs of feral roaming babies. Frothing at the mouth, tearing meat from bone, howling devilishly at the moon while being printed onto perhaps millions of the worst looking t-shirts that have ever graced the skin the “spiritually inclined.” Indeed. The stuff of nightmares.

“Blitzer.” What a linebacker is. 300lbs. of muscle, adrenaline and sweat, maneuvering through a defensive line, hitting hard enough to crack bones and literally break your ass in half. Now put the image of those two together. Yes, that’s it: visualize that magic. Let it sink in. That’s one badass bearded mother-smucker.

So what if the guy gives political commentary on a television channel that’s about as revolutionary as “Real World vs. Road Rules Challenge.” Wolf Blitzer is the new Chuck Norris. Rewrite the history books. Big ups to our homie Wolf.

Wolf Blitzer; Beard Rating; B