The Entire Cast of Shoot ‘Em Up

This homage to every over the top action movie ever made starring Oscar caliber actors Clive Owen & Paul Giamatti makes it onto our magnificent collection of facial art simply because everyone in this movie sports a five o’clock shadow. Literally Everyone. The bad guys, the good guy, the baby and even Monica Belluci all sport some sort of gluteus punting sandpaper growth.

This film is by definition; the epitome of a true beard-film. Like an epic tale told by fire, sweat, blood, leather and armor piercing bullets. It is a torrent of liquid hot beard magma rushing down the mountainside towards the villagers below.

This film includes giving birth to a child mid-gunfight, death by carrot, lactating prostitutes, road rage, big guns with a never ending supply of ammunition and a lovely parenting tip. What is there not to like? Shoot ‘Em Up was overwhelmingly beardtastic because it took the very idea, the very thought of a plot or even character development and threw it right out the window and onto the cold hard broken glass & dynamite-covered pavement below.

It eschewed the complexity of emotion and thought provoking scenes in favor of the simplicity and beauty of day-old facial hair and sex filled gunfights. It’s one long action sequence that runs like a (insert men’s hygiene product here) commercial on HGH. They took over where Sin City left off Clive Owen’s character from Sin City, only without all that pointless dialog.

May I also include that this this random awesomeness was a part of the viral marketing for the movie. If I had a child, he would most certainly be representing with the riot helmet and shield for his play dates. Take that suburbia.

The Entire Cast of Shoot ‘Em Up; Beard Rating; A-